Friday, August 15, 2014

Rough Day.

Today was a rough day. Ferguson is still torn apart by strife, and the protests are spreading to New York. Considering the homicide rate that is rising in Pittsburgh, I am genuinely afraid that might be the case for Pittsburgh soon. Only time will tell.

Of course this pales in comparison, but I'm still in a little bit of a funk about the death of Robin Williams. With my writing and performance, I don't think that any one performer has influenced me as much.

All of this was going on in the world, but my focus today was on something much closer to home. I finally broke. My father made a comment in passing about how he felt like he wasn't wanted. That did it. When he asked me why I was so upset, I explained to him that if he felt so unwanted, then I wasted the past two years of my life. To some extent, I still feel that way. To take care of my family, I've put my career on hold, I have more sleepless nights than most 26-year-olds that I know, and to be completely candid when someone asked me how old I was the past week, I completely blanked. Somehow I've aged 5 years in 2 year span. The thing is, if it means keeping my father around, I don't actually have a problem with it. The only problem that I had is that if he feels like that he isn't wanted, then I have failed. I don't want to fail. Simply put, I can't allow myself to fail right now.

One thing I did manage to get done among the chaos was to knit another hat. That makes 15 this month. The reason I keep knitting is that I know exactly where they are going. Specifically, some of the hats are going to the Oncology ward to help keep patients warm, while the majority will go towards the homeless this winter. This also helps explain why I am knitting cold weather gear when it is 80 degrees out.

A long time ago, I promised myself that I would change the world by the time I was 30. Changing the entire world is going to take some time, but I figure I can at least start where I am. I want to be the change I seek.

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